Writing with Absolute Phrases That Tighten Description: A Four-Day Lesson Series Embedded in the Writing Process - Embedding Grammar in Writing Instruction - What Really Works - Teaching Grammar

Teaching Grammar: What Really Works (2010)

Part II. Embedding Grammar in Writing Instruction

Chapter 12. Writing with Absolute Phrases That Tighten Description: A Four-Day Lesson Series Embedded in the Writing Process

If you’ve ever asked for whipped cream and a cherry on your sundae, you know how those two ingredients make dessert special. That’s the way students feel when they add their first absolute phrases—like their sentences have become something special.

What’s an absolute phrase? To answer that question, let’s consider a couple of student descriptions:

My hands were grasping the bat. I stood watching the pitcher.

I felt excited as I waited. My left foot was touching third base.

Here’s how those sentences sound when their author uses absolute phrases to combine them:

My hands grasping the bat, I stood watching the pitcher.

I felt excited as I waited, my left foot touching third base.

The revised sentences sound crisp and dramatic. They are suddenly special, like the words of a published author. But the single change in the revision is the omission of the being verb was. We tightened the entire thought by omitting only one word! Our students will easily pick up this technique if we guide them through a few observation activities.

Teaching Procedure

Kaitlin works in a high school where her juniors are preparing personal narratives for college applications. They have studied sentence variation with compound sentences and adjective clauses, as well as addition of detail through participial phrases, but she knows they can achieve greater sentence variation in descriptive moments if she helps them incorporate absolute phrases.

Day One: Learning to Notice Details

When the students enter the classroom, they see a poster of an athlete hanging in the front of the class. Kaitlin chooses a swimmer. She poses the question, “If you wanted to capture the talent of an Olympic swimmer, would you be able to do it better with a camera taking videos or a pen writing a description?”

Fairly certain her students will choose the videographer, Kaitlin follows up with some questions about why the videographer would be more effective.

“Well, she could show all the swimmer’s movements and the splashing of the water,” LaShaun says.

“Like what movements?” Kaitlin asks, wanting some specifics.

“Well, the arms, for example, or the legs. I mean, the swimmer’s arms reach out and the legs tuck under for a turn.”

“Yes, and the hands stretch out to reach the edge,” LaShaun adds.

Kaitlin writes these body-movement details on the board for future use. She needs more detail and continues, “What about the swimmer’s toes when she is standing on the block before she dives? Or her feet as they kick?” Again she writes the students’ answers on the board. She mentions other body parts, like arms and shoulders, as prompts for additional verb details. “So you are telling me that the videographer’s shots would show all these details and it would make a good action scene. Right?”

On the board the students see the final list:

Her toes were wrapped around the green block.

Her knees were bent, and she leaned forward.

Her arms shot out of the water rapidly.

Her hands reached out to the ledge.

Her legs pushed out against the side as she turned.

“Pretend you’re a sportswriter covering this girl—we’ll call her Pat—at the state championships. You’re in the bleachers on the warm pool deck, the smell of chlorine filling the air. Write a quick paragraph about Pat’s race with the topic sentence Pat focuses on beating her personal best. Use whichever details you want from our list to describe Pat’s efforts. And make your coverage include the body-language details as if you had a camera.”

Walking about the room, Kaitlin helps writers who get stuck, asking questions like “How is she breathing?” and “Can you mention her fingers? Her toes?” She collects all the samples so she can use a few sentences in the future.

Here is LaShaun’s first paragraph about the race:

Pat focuses on beating her personal best in the 100-meter race. Her toes were wrapped around the green block as she stood waiting for the buzzer. Then she heard the signal. She bent her knees and leaned forward. She dove in. Her arms shot out of the water rapidly. Her legs were kicking. Her head was turning to get some air. Then her hands reached out to the ledge. Her legs pushed out against the side as she turned around. Finally she was nearing the finish.

He has captured a lot of detail, primarily using simple and compound sentences, some strong action verbs, and a few adverbial clauses that begin with the conjunction as. After Kaitlin’s lessons on absolute phrases, LaShaun will revise this work, achieve greater sentence variation by incorporating absolute and participial phrases, and experience pride in his writing growth.

Day Two: Introduction of Absolute Phrases

When the class begins, students look to the board and see Kaitlin’s sentences about the parents of our swimmer, Pat, watching the championship swim meet:

Their eyes were glued on the two lead swimmers. They leaned forward on the bleachers.

Their hands were grasping their knees. They watched their daughter Pat take the lead.

Their shoulders were tensing. They watched her fall behind.

They were breathing deeply. They hoped she could maintain her speed.

Kaitlin leads into her explanation of absolute phrases by having students combine these pairs of sentences as part of a large-group activity. Several suggest combining them with “and” for a compound sentence or with “as” for an adverb clause:

Their eyes were glued on the two lead swimmers, and they leaned forward on the bleachers.

Their hands were grasping their knees as they watched their daughter Pat take the lead.

Although their revisions are grammatically correct, Kaitlin wants the students to improve the flow and variation of the sentences by employing absolute phrases. With some drama in her voice, she begins, “Yes, you can combine the sentences with conjunctions—words like and or as—to form a compound sentence or an adverbial clause, but imagine this: What if we leave out the conjunction, cross out the being verb were, and try reading the sentence?”

With a flourish she makes a large X through were in the original sentence and reads, “Their eyes glued on the two lead swimmers, they leaned forward on the bleachers.” She draws the same dramatic X in the second sentence and reads, “Their hands grasping their knees, they watched their daughter Pat take the lead.” She repeats the sentences, allowing the students to feel their impact.

“Hey, Ms. Wylder,” someone calls out. “That sounds pretty good! Kinda like a real sportswriter. I like that.”

“I can’t believe that you can get such a good sentence by just crossing out a word!” Rene chimes in.

Building on their enthusiasm, Kaitlin asks them to use that technique on the next two sentences. For an extra visual effect, she hands the chalk to Rene and says, “You come up here and try it.” Rene draws her X through were and reads, “Their shoulders tensing, they watched her fall behind.”

“Good job, Rene! Everyone can see how you revised and combined these three sentences by dropping the being verb. Writers call this construction an absolute phrase.”

Kaitlin wants everyone, not only her more active students, to try using the absolute phrase. So she moves next from a large-group to a small-group activity in a gradual release of responsibility. “I have a few more sentences for you to try. With a partner, revise the next sentences about Pat’s swimming coach, and let’s compare your sentences.”

Here are Kaitlin’s original sentences about the coach, followed by students’ revisions:

His hands were wedged into his pockets. He stared at the pool.

His hands wedged into his pockets, he stared at the pool.

He watched Pat pull out in front. His head was nodding in approval.

He watched Pat pull out in front, his head nodding in approval.

His feet were planted on the pool deck. He waited for her to gain speed.

His feet planted on the pool deck, he waited for her to gain speed.

As soon as the excited buzz quiets down, Kaitlin compliments everyone on the improved writing and passes back their original descriptions of Pat’s race. During the remainder of the period, students try to incorporate at least two absolute phrases into their paragraphs, modeling their revisions on the sentences they’ve written earlier in class. They finish their drafts for homework.

Day Three: A Second Experience Writing Absolute Phrases

When class begins, students enjoy sharing their swim-meet revisions, and Kaitlin praises the improvements.

“Stylistically, these are dynamite!” she says, conscious of the positive effect of a teacher’s praise. The students’ sentences using absolute phrases deserve acknowledgement. She frequently repeats a well-written student sentence to give everyone more exposure to the sound of the technique.

Then she provides a second opportunity to use absolute phrases in student descriptions. While some of her students are fast learners and have strong language experience after years of reading, she has seen that weaker writers, especially those who lack extensive reading background, need more practice to master absolute phrases.

For this class she asks someone to act out a scenario that all the others observe about a boy who fails a test. She and her actor agree to include physical signs of disappointment, such as drooping shoulders and a lowered head. Here is the scenario she describes to her students:

“Imagine that Ronny needs a good grade on his algebra test to bring up his failing average, so he has spent several nights studying. His teacher returns the papers and hands him his graded test. Watch his mood as he takes it from her and returns to his seat. Pretend you are a camera that zooms in and focuses on the little clues to his mood. Then jot down all the clues you observe from his body language.”

As Ronny pretends to come up for his paper and discover an F grade, the students observe and write all the physical clues, which Kaitlin lists on the board when they have finished. Here are some of the behaviors they remembered:

He dropped his head.

He groaned quietly.

His shoulders slumped.

His arms hung down by his sides.

He dragged his feet.

He dropped down into his chair.

He slumped across his desk.

“You can use these pieces of evidence to write a good description of this boy, starting with the sentence The boy took his F paper from the teacher and returned to his seat. To add detail to the sentence, remember to include absolute phrases as you did in the homework about the swimmer. You can also use participial phrases as we did last month when we studied body-language details. Let’s see what you can create!”

The students jump into this writing assignment, using their recent mental image of Ronny and the lists of details they have assembled. Chances are, they will include more absolute phrases than they did on earlier days. They finish polishing their paragraphs for homework. Kaitlin gives them the sheet of directions in Figure 12.1 so they have vivid examples as models.

Figure 12.1 Directions for Writing with Absolute Phrases

How could you use absolute phrases to add description and sentence variation in your narratives? Let’s say you are writing about a time you had to overcome a setback in your life. For example, you failed a chemistry test and had to work up the courage to talk to the teacher about a new start.

You might start your first draft this way:

I stood outside my teacher’s office. I was waiting nervously. I was holding my failing midterm exam in one hand. I told myself, “You can go in and ask for help. You don’t have to fail this course.”

My heart was pounding, and I turned the doorknob. I stepped inside and began to explain my problem.

Mr. Davis, my teacher, listened to me. His fingers were tapping a rhythm on his wooden desk. His eyes were fixed on mine.

You may reread your lines and notice the dependence on simple and compound sentences and the overuse of being verbs, was and were. So you could use your knowledge of sentence variations to make these revisions:

Standing outside my teacher’s office, I waited nervously, my failing midterm exam in one hand. I told myself, “You can go in and ask for help. You don’t have to fail this course.”

My heart pounding, I turned the doorknob, stepped inside, and began to explain my problem.

Mr. Davis, my teacher, listened to me, his fingers tapping a rhythm on his wooden desk, his eyes fixed on mine.

Good revision! By introducing the three italicized absolute phrases and the one underlined participial phrase, you gave your story an improved rhythm.

Here are a few more examples to help you see sentences improved through use of absolute phrases. After you read them, go back to your descriptive paragraphs, looking for places where you can improve the flow of ideas or add detail with absolute phrases.

Without an absolute phrase:

Jim’s shoulders were aching from the weight of the heavy bags. He carried the bags up the second flight of stairs.

With an absolute phrase:

His shoulders aching from the weight, Jim carried the heavy bags up the second flight of stairs.

Without an absolute phrase:

He steadied himself against the doorway. His fingers were fumbling in his pocket for a key.

With an absolute phrase:

He steadied himself against the doorway, his fingers fumbling in his pocket for a key.

Day Four: Embedding Grammar in Student Writing

Students seem self-confident on this day, eager to share their paragraphs about the disappointed student because they are feeling successful as they continue to write with absolutes. You may be surprised at the sentence variation in Michelle’s paragraph:

The boy took his “F” paper from the teacher and returned to his seat.
Dropping his head, he groaned quietly. His arms hung down by his
sides, his shoulders slumping. He dragged his feet and walked slowly.
Dropping down into his chair, he slumped across his desk. He remained
there for the rest of class, his eyes closed.

Kaitlin asks Michelle to read her paragraph aloud and is not surprised when others start to applaud. “Yes, I totally agree! This is a wonderful piece of writing, Michelle. I want to look at all the different kinds of sentences you used in your paragraph.”

Kaitlin uses colored chalk as she and the students read and identify the different sentence variations Michelle used. Starting with the first sentence, they notice a simple sentence, a participial phrase, an absolute phrase, a simple sentence, a participial phrase, and a final absolute phrase.

Although Kaitlin realizes that Michelle has overused the absolutes and participial phrases, she withholds criticism at this point. With more experience, Michelle and students like her will learn when these devices are appropriate.

Kaitlin takes a few minutes to connect this writing to the literature of the classroom. She and the students reread a passage in Jon Krakauer’s Into Thin Air (1997), in which the author writes a long description using combinations of absolutes and participial phrases. Whenever she can show students how their writing resembles the writing of published authors, Kaitlin makes this connection.

Finally, she connects the recent lesson on absolutes with the students’ efforts to write personal narratives, like the ones they will use on their college applications. “All of you are working on personal narratives now, and it’s time to edit them so they showcase your best writing. I’m going to give you a review sheet, listing most of the sentence variations we’ve practiced (see Figure 12.2), and I want you to do a final revision of your work, using this review as your guide. You’ll need to include participial phrases, absolutes, and appositives ahead of nouns. Let’s read this together so you’ll feel comfortable starting out on this challenge.”

Students who follow these guidelines will use the many grammar variations they have studied and reviewed. We’ve learned to give our students clear and explicit requirements—like the ones Kaitlin distributes on her final narrative assignment—if we expect them to employ all the sentence variations they know.

Figure 12.2 Revising Your Narratives with Sentence Variation

You’ve learned so much about grammar and noticed such excellent sentence variation in our classroom literature. Now’s the time to put your skill to work!

What differences do you notice in the sentences of the following two descriptions?

Example 1:

I heard a noise from the hallway. I quickly sat upright in bed. Who could that be? I wondered. I knew my mom wouldn’t be returning that early. I planted my feet on the floor. Then I began to walk softly across my room. I neared the door to my bedroom. It was closed. I heard more sounds in the living room. It was the room next to mine.

I felt worried and uncertain. I slowly turned the doorknob. I wanted to solve the mystery. I still felt fearful. In the center of the living room, I found our dog Rosie. Her teeth were wrapped around her favorite toy. She had pulled it from the shelf to entertain herself. False alarm! I thought. I sleepily returned to bed.

Example 2:

Hearing a noise from the hallway, I quickly sat upright in bed. Who could that be? I wondered, knowing my mom wouldn’t be returning so early. My feet planted on the floor, I began to walk softly across my room. As I neared the closed door to my bedroom, I heard more sounds in the living room, the room next to mine.

Worried and uncertain, I slowly turned the doorknob. Although I wanted to solve the mystery, I still felt fearful. I found our dog Rosie, her teeth wrapped around her favorite toy. She had pulled it from the shelf to entertain herself. False alarm! I thought and sleepily returned to bed.

You probably notice that Example 1 sounds choppy, but Example 2 has a better flow because it contains greater sentence variation.

Here’s the assignment:

Write a final revision of your personal narrative. Aim for sentence variety within paragraphs—you don’t want an entire paragraph of simple and compound sentences when you actually know a variety of types, including participial phrases, absolute phrases, adverb clauses, adjective clauses, and appositives.

Choosing from the sentence variations below, use six examples from the list, with at least one from each category, for an A paper and four examples for a B paper. If you think it’s necessary, you may exceed that number to enhance your paragraphs.

Label items in the margin of your final draft to show where you have included them. Carefully edit your drafts so they reflect these standards.

♦ Appositives: one appositive placed before a noun and one placed after a noun

Examples:

A constant worrier, my mom checked the door several times, making certain she had locked it.

My mom, a constant worrier, checked the door several times, making certain she had locked it.

♦ Adjectives placed before a noun

Examples:

Kind and loving, my grandmother often cooks my favorite meal.

Warm and chocolaty, the cookie melted in my mouth.

♦ Absolute phrases used to communicate body language (three for an A paper and two for a B paper)

Examples:

Eyes staring at the ball, I moved to the front of the court.

Fingers grasping the racket, I sent the ball back across the net.

♦ Participial phrases used to communicate body language

Examples:

Slumping in my seat, I stared unhappily at the failing test score.

My friend, holding the jammed lock in both hands, tried to yank it open.

I bent forward to pick up my pen, losing my balance and falling forward.

Figure 12.3 Chapter 12 Overview Chart

Day

Learning Goal

Activity

Homework

1

Learn to observe body-language details that clarify a person’s moods or actions. These become parts of a writer’s elaboration.

The class observes a poster and generates a description of an athlete’s body-language detail. Individuals use those details to write descriptive paragraphs in class.

None

2

Learn to form and use absolute phrases for sentence variation and tighter sentences.

The class combines sentences using absolute phrases. Then students edit their paragraphs from Day One, using absolute phrases in their sentences.

Students !nish editing paragraphs, using absolute phrases.

3

Gain more experience using absolute phrases in additional writing.

The students observe a classmate act out a scenario and use the details to write descriptive paragraphs.

Students !nish descriptive paragraphs, using absolute phrases.

4

Recognize and admire student writers’ use of absolutes in descriptive paragraphs and authors’ use of absolute phrases in class literature.

Students read their !nished descriptions to the class, showing mastery in use of absolute phrases. The class hears and recognizes Jon Krakauer’s use of absolutes.

Students edit personal narratives and college essays, using sentence variations, including absolute phrases.

Conclusion

Having taught grammar instruction at a range of different schools, we understand the concern some teachers feel after they’ve heard our stories. They’re excited to teach grammar, but some think of their weakest students, then look in the mirror and wonder: Can I really pull this off at my school?

Guess what? You can do this! You can transform your grammar instruction from something dull and unsuccessful to something thought-provoking and engaging, something that brings reading and writing together. Your students will write better, discuss language better, and test better. They may even fall in love with authors’ writing like you do when you discover powerful sentences.

Your instruction will flow from basic sentence recognition to the inner workings of the sentence: expansion of noun and verb phrases and linking devices. Your students will actually use the grammar of clauses and phrases in their writing. Immediately!

We’ve seen it happen at various schools and grade levels, from affluent middle schools to inner-city high schools. Our students tell us they write and edit better because they own a range of grammar techniques: They’ve gained knowledge of their own language.

Once you understand something from inside out, you value it more. Our love of art deco surges when we stand in New York City and see around us the detail of curve and balance and surface material. Why? Because we know it from inside out. Without that knowledge, we’d say “That’s really nice” about the buildings around us and never find the inner appreciation that deeper knowledge provides. Whether it’s art, sports, opera, or clothing design, if you know its parts, you have a whole different experience with it—you enjoy it more.

Now it’s your turn to empower your students. Go ahead. Give your students that insider’s knowledge of their language. Play with your grammar lessons. Have fun—like the teachers you’ve met in this book. Have patience—knowing that changes in your students’ writing will emerge. Have confidence—with certainty that you’ll be giving your classes knowledge of their language.

That’s a gift that keeps giving, year after year, paper after paper, and book after book.